The Fear of Loneliness, The Lack of Connection!
The other day I sat here asking God, What? Where? Who…..am I? Why? Does everyone else have it together, they know their purpose and yet I struggle.
This has been a transitioning year. Well quite frankly, every day is a transition, but this is far greater than my everyday stuff. Some days I feel I have it all managed (not controlled) and some days I am so lost. Lost to the point that depression is kicking in. I lack the energy to the point where completing even the smallest of tasks seems impossible.
I’ve had a year of rediscovering me, but most importantly, a year of becoming re-acquainted with God.
Do I feel lonely or alone?
Which is it? I really feel disconnected from…a lot of people. It is all fear based, that is loneliness. Alone time can be very healing, spending time with one’s self-solitude.
Brene Brown’s book, Braving the Wilderness, (yes I am still reading this book and savoring every word and moment with my highlighter. Silly, isn’t it when it is a book, and I go back to it whenever I wish). She talks about fear and the fear of the pain of disconnection. Fear of vulnerability, fear of getting hurt, fear of failure and criticisms, fear of not measuring up. FEAR!
FEAR! Who to fear and who to blame? Brene continues to say all of this fear cuts us off from the real conversations, the real connections with others.
I AM CRAVING REAL CONVERSATIONS WITH REAL WOMEN! REAL CONNECTIONS!
What does this mean? Well here goes:
I crave women to open up and do not hold back about their fears, not to feel alone, and please not to judge or even play therapist and solve the conversation. Oh and not to say “I am too busy to…” Humanity is dying, we are losing connection, and fear is at an all-time high in the world.
For me, at 57, I fear a lot. I fear I will not find myself, I fear people will forget about me, I fear people go on and will not invite me…oh, big fear. I fear that I am so passionate about change and connection I will repel others. I fear that my wall is so tall and think I cannot connect.
I stand in environments, weddings, conferences, and I feel such a lack of connection to others.
The posts fly on social media-globally and yet there is very little connection.
I fear the “Braving the Wilderness” and the courage to stand alone with God, will never be enough.
I fear my business will never be a business, I chose to step back.
So as today evolves, I write this, and I turn to God, to take my fear for I cannot handle this anymore. Honestly, I don’t want this anymore. I no longer want fear to win. I want love, vulnerability, and courage to win all through the grace of God. I yearn to face the bravery of being hurt, moving on, and letting go so I can evolve into God’s work. His plan for me.
My commitment is to go deeper with Her Bold Voice for 2018. To connect and not feel alone or lonely. To no longer accept the business of others. I want to lead, to be vulnerable, even more.
I asked God to show me, am I doing what I am supposed to be doing, through His words? And this appears:
“Good morning Sunshine, I read your blog post telling your story, you are such an amazing person who isn’t afraid to share your life’s struggle with others so they can help themselves. It was very moving. Have a fantastic weekend and enjoy.”
Thank you, David Brown, this brought me to tears. God does answer.
Please do not feel any sorry-ness for me. I am not a victim. I am working on staying strong and courageous, so others do not feel alone or disconnected.
Many women will not reach out to me because they think that I am so successful, independent, and have “it” going on. Some days I do. Some days I don’t. I’m not perfect, I have my own fears to face.
I crave the relationships that the four women, Carrie, Miranda, Charlotte, and Samantha had. Different lives, different opinions, different oh so very different. They asked, accepted and supported one another NO MATTER if they agreed or not.
Now that is a true connection! Real Conversations!