The Fear of Loneliness, The Lack of Connection!
The other day I sat here asking God, What? Where? Who…..am I? Why? Does everyone else have it together, they know their purpose and yet I struggle.
This has been a transitioning year. Well quite frankly, every day is a transition, but this is far greater than my everyday stuff. Some days I feel I have it all managed (not controlled) and some days I am so lost. Lost to the point that depression is kicking in. I lack the energy to the point where completing even the smallest of tasks seems impossible.
I’ve had a year of rediscovering me, but most importantly, a year of becoming re-acquainted with God.
Do I feel lonely or alone?
Which is it? I really feel disconnected from…a lot of people. It is all fear based, that is loneliness. Alone time can be very healing, spending time with one’s self-solitude.
Brene Brown’s book, Braving the Wilderness, (yes I am still reading this book and savoring every word and moment with my highlighter. Silly, isn’t it when it is a book, and I go back to it whenever I wish). She talks about fear and the fear of the pain of disconnection. Fear of vulnerability, fear of getting hurt, fear of failure and criticisms, fear of not measuring up. FEAR!
FEAR! Who to fear and who to blame? Brene continues to say all of this fear cuts us off from the real conversations, the real connections with others.
I AM CRAVING REAL CONVERSATIONS WITH REAL WOMEN! REAL CONNECTIONS!
What does this mean? Well here goes:
I crave women to open up and do not hold back about their fears, not to feel alone, and please not to judge or even play therapist and solve the conversation. Oh and not to say “I am too busy to…” Humanity is dying, we are losing connection, and fear is at an all-time high in the world.
For me, at 57, I fear a lot. I fear I will not find myself, I fear people will forget about me, I fear people go on and will not invite me…oh, big fear. I fear that I am so passionate about change and connection I will repel others. I fear that my wall is so tall and think I cannot connect.
I stand in environments, weddings, conferences, and I feel such a lack of connection to others.
The posts fly on social media-globally and yet there is very little connection.
I fear the “Braving the Wilderness” and the courage to stand alone with God, will never be enough.
I fear my business will never be a business, I chose to step back.
So as today evolves, I write this, and I turn to God, to take my fear for I cannot handle this anymore. Honestly, I don’t want this anymore. I no longer want fear to win. I want love, vulnerability, and courage to win all through the grace of God. I yearn to face the bravery of being hurt, moving on, and letting go so I can evolve into God’s work. His plan for me.
My commitment is to go deeper with Her Bold Voice for 2018. To connect and not feel alone or lonely. To no longer accept the business of others. I want to lead, to be vulnerable, even more.
I asked God to show me, am I doing what I am supposed to be doing, through His words? And this appears:
“Good morning Sunshine, I read your blog post telling your story, you are such an amazing person who isn’t afraid to share your life’s struggle with others so they can help themselves. It was very moving. Have a fantastic weekend and enjoy.”
Thank you, David Brown, this brought me to tears. God does answer.
Please do not feel any sorry-ness for me. I am not a victim. I am working on staying strong and courageous, so others do not feel alone or disconnected.
Many women will not reach out to me because they think that I am so successful, independent, and have “it” going on. Some days I do. Some days I don’t. I’m not perfect, I have my own fears to face.
I crave the relationships that the four women, Carrie, Miranda, Charlotte, and Samantha had. Different lives, different opinions, different oh so very different. They asked, accepted and supported one another NO MATTER if they agreed or not.
Now that is a true connection! Real Conversations!
Peace,
Kim
My dear Kim, it’s amazing how we project ourselves to the world as strong, together and fearless, and inside we have uncertainties and trepidations. I’m right there with you, honey. I’m so glad we had a chance to chat about our fears and lift up one another — it was our mini-SITC moment!
It was and I enjoyed it. Looking forward to much more!
Kim, I love your courage and your fierce spirit!!
Thank you, Karen.
Kim
I am honored to be mentioned in your writing. Not to mention having the privilege of having a friend like you.
Who new what was in store for either of us that day you sat next to me at an event. God does work in mysterious ways and puts us in places we need.
Thank you for being there for me.
Dave
I love how He works placing people together. David, you are an amazing and very supportive friend. Thank you
Fear either paralyzes us or motivates us — Sandra Joseph said this in one of her motivational speeches (she played Christine in Phantom of the Opera on Broadway). It is spot on and I use this with my daughter too. I do think that the ability to connect starts at a young age and does become harder though in our mid-adult lives. Stay strong and connected!
Jennifer, you are an amazing mom teaching your daughter this. It is so important for our future leaders.
This is a wonderful post. One thing I never would call you or think of you as is a victim. You are a strong and resilient woman. You got this and I am in your corner.
I so appreciate you, Elise! thank you!
I am so grateful for your presence in my life!
Aw thank you so much, Tonia! I have been blessed with women that have been placed in my life this year and you are one of those beautiful women!
You are never alone woman! God has got you and when you are satisfied in Him first ALL other things come into your life. I LOVE that you are working on the vertical relationship with God! I LOVE that we have the kind of relationship where we are authentic with one another. Be filled to overflowing, my friend.
Thank you so much, Deneen, and you are influential in my walk.
Dearest kim…what an incredible honest piece of writing. I always wanted a group of carrie/samantha/charlotte/Miranda friends too. Here to support you. Xx
Thank you, Lynn, so much! You have a SITC friend over here!
What a brave and honest post and something I’m sure a lot of people will resonate with.
Yes, that is what I am told!
Kim it’s so true about that deep connection with people and it’s so important! I only have a couple of friends who I really talk to on that deep level and I know I can say anything to them and not be judged… Whenever I spend time in their company I always feel refreshed and renewed afterwards because we value and feed each other’s authentic selves. Other people can be so superficial and I do think social media plays a big part in that, I know so many bloggers who are pretending to be people they truly aren’t!
Yes, I agree, social media has fed so much fakeness in this world!
i understand. i’m an introvert and like being alone but at the same time i feel lonely too and want someone to talk to and spend time with. it can get frustrating sometimes but you truly are never alone and that there is always going to be someone there to talk to.
I love this post. You’re such a strong, inspiring lady, you’re most certainly nobody’s victim!