My Identity! I am fake; a fraud!
I feel lost! Ever since I was 18 years old my identity has been centered on titles and the amount of money I’ve earned. I felt wanted, accepted and needed. This was my human child, so to speak. I felt empowered, on top of the world; if I said I was going to do something I achieved it. I have learned to really walk my talk – along with losing myself, badgering others behind closed doors for not doing the same…. judgment after judgment.
I sit here in this moment filled with loneliness; tears flood my cheeks as I look at myself. I don’t know who I am. I have sold Bold Radio- the last five years of my existence; my identity, my steel silver bars. I feel lost, undiscovered, and fake. I am unclear of the next step. I am sick with pain in my intestine and constipated- this is no pun. I am 57 years old, out of patience, love, and understanding for others and more importantly for myself.
Do not ask me how I am because I don’t know how to answer that. I heard a woman being interviewed on New Year’s Day. She wrote a book called No More Faking Fine! I am sick and tired of saying I am fine and quite frankly I’m sick and tired of hearing others say the same thing and throwing in how crazy busy they are. Go the f*#k away! I am crawling in my skin; it feels like a hot heated itchy rash that I cannot shed. I want to say “F*#k it all” and create hurt and pain and make some real drastic changes to destroy so much. I am angry and sad at these steel silver bars I have built.
I am reading a book recommended by my friend Sheila Kennedy. It’s called Love Warrior by Glennon Doyle Milton. I’m halfway through and I cannot stop crying. I feel God has taken his huge hands and is shaking me to wake up, so hard that my head hurts. Glennon is sharing a moment of watching a home improvement show where a couple discovers the home they bought needs re-wiring, that the unknown behind the walls is faulty. The woman wants to move but the man says “Let’s stay and tear these walls down and re-wire.” I feel this is the perfect analogy for my life. Glennon continues on to say that to return to her light or to re-wire she makes a list (read the book to understand this amazing story). Her list shook me to my core:
- Start therapy-examine my wiring.
- Watch the sunset 3 times a week; discover your personal sunset (Her joy is the ocean and sunsets.)
- Wait one year to make any more decisions-major decisions.
I have reached out to someone I can open wide up with. I am not sure what my sunset is…but I know I will discover this.
And I now wait one year to make any major decisions. Decisions about my life, personal and professional… these are my decisions to make, too slow down, breathe and live on my terms!
Please reach out and share when you have felt this way and what did you do?
Peace,
Kim
Maybe instead of feeling like a fake you are finally feeling real. Your vulnerability and honesty are refreshing! Carry on Love Warrior!
I am inspired by you as well Sheila! Thank you!
I felt the same for alot of my corporate career but was locked in through need for the money. Need for the materialistic life. But I broke free it still taking its toll that moment of breaking free….nearmy 2 years on. Amazing post which I will share darling. Xx
Oh my goodness, this is so profound and resonates with me! I found myself being fake in the past and saying “I am fine” when I definitely was NOT. I believe in being transparent and REAL. It is sometimes hard and painful but it is by far, best. Wonderful blog post! XXOO
I love your authentic sharing Kim. My regimine when I’m feeling stuck or frustrated has included some or all of these things:
Rest and rejuvenate (self care is critical);
Yoga
Prayer
Journaling
Talking with spiritually-centered confidantes (whether they be friends, professionals, church community, etc.)
Reading books on purpose and passion
Being patient since it may take 1-5 years to work through a major life phase
Since patience isn’t my strong suit, I try and help others (volunteer at church or elsewhere in community) in a way that really makes a difference to one or more people. I find I get healed in the process.
I know you’ve done many of these things too, but sometimes reminders help you revisit these practices.
Hugs to you my friend. I support you on your journey for what’s next.
Thank you Lori! Yes indeed all of the above help. You have been such an amazing friend! See you soon!
You are a breath of fresh air, Kim! Sometimes it’s easy to “hide” behind, “I’m fine” because you can’t be certain of the recipient or their motives. I like the idea of no major decisions for a year. You need to experience the results of your past decisions and not keep running. I’ll be watching to see what arrives for you.
Thank you Lisa. It is sometimes a daily challenge for me, but launching this blog has been a great decision!